Sunday, February 05, 2006

Shopping

I must depart from remembering for at least a couple of postings because it makes my head hurt. I’ll jump to the present for a while. Today I got appointed steward of the shopping cart and a 1st for me. First of all I hate shopping at large shopping malls and large stores anywhere. Today there were to many people, doing to many things, making to much noise and I am to old to enjoy it. For some unknown reason I agreed to accompany my wife to The Christmas Tree Shop. For those of you that might not be aware of this particular store, it is called New England’s Bargain Store and sells all sorts of different things such as glassware and art supplies, toys and gourmet cooking supplies. Right off the bat I got lost, I guess, as we were standing outside the bathrooms and I announced “I gotta go and I will be right back”. She replied “me too but I’ll wait until you come out.” [this is because her purse was in the cart and someone needed to guard the cart]. When I came out, I expected to see her waiting for her turn to go in but she was gone, kidnapped, vanished off the face of the store. I searched and searched while I kept an eye on the bathroom area where I figured she might return to if she was indeed not kidnapped. I was looking for security when she appeared around the corner of an isle acting as if nothing had happened. Non-chalet if you will. Could she possible be having an affair, meeting someone when she dumped me? The questions were rising. “Where have you been” I charged. Shopping “she replied “what did you think, that someone kidnapped me or something?” I didn’t respond. “I have to go to the bathroom so you stay here and watch my purse”. I saw that one coming.

Usually when we enter a store, my wife grabs a cart so she can have something to lean on when she is decision making. She will lean with her front arms resting on the cart, slowly perusing the prizes that lie ahead but this is serious shopping and one of her favorite stores so she has no reason to rest and a cart is just in her way. All she wants a cart for is a tool to hold her purse and jacket. That is where I come in. Serious shopping is the order of the day as the cart is ½ full already and the cart has been turned over to me as the steward. My God, I have been appointed Shopping Cart Steward [SCS for short]. What should I do? I start following behind her, making short turns that require me to pick the back end of the cart up to make the turns. Remembering always to stay on the right as I progress down the aisles or complete order breaks down. Gridlock will occur and anarchy will set in. Suddenly my wife turns on me threatening “I said to watch the cart and my purse not follow me everywhere”. She continues “You wait here so I know where to find you”. Oh No it is tough enough to negotiate the store while moving but now I have been ordered to stop and wait. I have become a roadblock, an impedance to orderly traffic flow. Everyone has to go around me and they all say things or just give me the eye, the evil eye. “I’m the SCS,” I offer apologetically to all who will listen and they all look at me rather weirdly, cocking their heads as they go by. A lot of whispering as people go by. By now I am half expecting to see store security show up and escort me out of the store. My wife looks around the corner and says “You have to keep up!” “I was on the other side of the store and you were no where to be found.” Go figure? In a few minutes she tells me to wait and she will be right back. Once again I am a traffic hazard. Ahead of me is another traffic hazard, guarding his shopping cart. Another SCS, Hooray! I make small talk but I don’t get much of a response. Only guttural noises emanate from this life form. Right away I can tell that he has been doing this for a long time as I quickly check his full cart. He could have been here all day and maybe his wife forgot him and went home? A fear of mine also. I chance moving and setup around the corner as there really shouldn’t be two impedances in a row, what with orderly flow and all. Later my wife returns and is upset that I have moved. Looked all over the store for me???? Now she wants me to follow her as we are going to do quick sweeps all over the store for items she might have missed the 1st time around. I can’t keep up without knocking over store displays and little children so she takes the cart from me. My God, she is knocking over store displays and little children.

Time for revenge. My wife has a habit of talking to me as she walks but while she is ahead of me, so I have no idea of what she is saying. We’re in a store and she is talking about shopping and if I could understand her I wouldn’t care what she was saying. I just make guttural noises and all is OK as long as I don’t ignore her. My favorite trick is to wait until she is stopped and doing her talking to me with her back turned trick and there are more shoppers around us and I just slip away but usually only far enough to watch. She will suddenly turn around and find some stranger standing there who is now looking at her with his head cocked as she makes some feeble, embarrassed, explanation. She always says “where did you go as I was just talking to some stranger and I thought it was you behind me.” I respond “sorry dear, I just stopped to look at something”. As we continue shopping, I have a grin from ear to ear. It makes the trip worth it and it has been working for 39 years.

2 comments:

keewee said...

Ha Ha Ha, I am laughing about your shopping story, it is a hoot.
Mr Completely, my other half, lets me go shopping all by myself He really does not enjoy it at all. I am a shopper like your wife, I know where I am going in the stores, and I get there the fastest way possible, but, I will get side tracked once in a while and will not be where Mr.C expects to find me, hence now shopping alone.Less stress that way.
I like your blog, I will be checking in on a regular basis.

Ted said...

Hi Keewee
Thanks for the comment. I only go when she can't find anyone else to go and I also have to be suffering from extreme boredom. Another one worth reading was "sheriff had to come and take him away" March 14 2005. It is about purses and keys.
Ted